*Warning the following might contain absurd, tearful, what-sounds-like-a-puberty-infested-teen-crying-out-for-help*

So, I’ve been miserable and no it has nothing to do with the fact that I haven’t kept up with my promise of posting pictures as a day-to-day thing. I do have pictures, but that’s a back-burner project right now. Between two jobs and trying to get things straightened out in my life is making other commitments difficult.

Going back to why I’ve come to blog. These past few days have just felt so messy. I’ve sat in a complete abandonment. An intense desire to just run away– or steal the car and drive away until I stop and realize where I am. I’m sluggish. Angry. Sad. Feeling ugly. Hated. I’m a bundle of emotions I can’t describe or understand. I’m also not sure if any of them are really all that applicable.

I left work yesterday just to walk home. I found out it took me 15 minutes going quickly on foot to get home. I’m so absent minded. I haven’t decided why. Here are a few of my potential reasons:

  • 2 jobs is too much for me to handle. I wake up at 5-5:30 AM to get ready for work. Getting ready also includes a workout, shower and hopefully breakfast, not in that order but close.
  • I hate both jobs and I’m just praying that I get a call from somewhere else.
  • My hormones are on overdrive.

These aren’t limited and could be all of the above and then some. I do know that I’m getting seriously sad from a topic that should make me happy. Weight loss.

I’ve lost so much weight and have full intention of making my goal weight by the end of April. But that goal weight isn’t my end in losing weight. I will lose more but I look at myself in the mirror and I hate it. That’s my big problem is I hate how ugly and pale I look when I stare into a mirror. Maybe it’s because I’ve purposely spent years out of the sun, but I look sick. And my personal opinion has changed so much of myself, I think I look awesome and beautiful when I was just a little heavier. I don’t know if it’s a body image that now that I’ve lost weight I expected to look “normal”.

I don’t feel “normal”.

I’m writting this stuff because I don’t have a girlfriend to confide in. Pretty sure I wouldn’t be in a relationship right now if I decided to talk to him about this stuff. I keep wanting to ask him if I look beautiful to him or not.

Anyway, there might be a part two to this story so keep checking back. I have a feeling my stress levels are all over the place and will give me a lot to write about.

Peace & Luv



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