Randomized

Something about loving you


I nearly cried.

I get so upset when I look through so many pictures of friends on Facebook.

I realized that loving my boyfriend is going to result in nobody from my side being at my wedding party – if that makes any sense. Let me clarify:

By obeying him I’m giving myself very little of a social life. Something, I believe, most girls need in order to function. But by being with him I’m being affected in a way that I didn’t realize could hurt until I see these pictures and realize “Wow.. at this rate I won’t have any girlfriends to be bridesmaids, or any body to attend my bachelorette party, my baby shower, etc.” Maybe I’m just being dramatic (I’ve been feeling like this lately) but, just wow, is this possible?

Could my relationship actually affect the way my future is laid out for having external relationships with other people, especially same-sex friendships. Maybe I’m over-thinking things? Over-reacting? I’ve been feeling emotionally distraught because I’m over-worked and undercompensated for everything I’ve done.

I want to just quit my job and run away from life. I want to take out a travelling loan- if only that were possible, and just disappear for a while. If I could travel the world for a year or two, live out of a suitcase; visiting everything and anything I can get my passport into. It’s so overwhelming. Even this thought makes me more at ease with my current situation.

Perhaps I just needed to write about it because I have nobody to talk to about my problems. My mum would worry too much and think that it’s time for me to leave my boyfriend because there might be actually something wrong. I have a friend but she has this tendency of talking about herself, a lot and then I wind up talking to her about her life and problems instead of trying to focus on my own and trying to get help with solving my life problems. Yes, perhaps she is slightly conceited, but we all have our flaws. Another friend of mine is in another city and I wish I could see her more often, but now she’s with baby and I don’t want to burden her with my problems when she’ll have her own.

That may be it. I’m not trying to burden anybody with my issues. They may not consider it a burden, but I think it’s forcing somebody to try to solve my own problems. Maybe I already know how to solve them but refuse acknowledge the facts that are right there in front of me. Maybe I’m blind.

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5 thoughts on “Something about loving you

  1. I don’t think you’re overreacting. So many people I know who are married have confessed that they should have thought things like this through beforehand. I hope it all works out for you!

    • Thank you very much, but as you have read, I’m not married. I’d love to be married to him, but I think there’s still much to learn on both our parts before “that” kind of commitment can be made.
      There’s a lot of, what feels like, bullying happening and I’m really hoping that changes with time because that’s the hardest part of the relationship is just the pushing and trying to get our ways with, what seems, like very little negotiation. There’s not enough consideration of our situation or current needs– materialistic is how I’ve made it to be.

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