Have you ever gone through life with certain expectations? High hopes? How about unachievable ones? Maybe unreasonable? I didn’t think I lived this way until a friend gave me news of his recent life-altering event. I didn’t know how to handle the news. I was happy for him but also had that pang of grief, perhaps sadness, and overall I just felt down-right ill. I couldn’t admit these feelings to this person because I should have nothing to hold on to towards with him.
These are feelings that had been harboured. When we used to talk, it felt good. He constantly made it seem like he was going to find nobody like me. But that’s okay. I always insisted he find somebody else, that there is somebody for everybody.
I belive the news was more of a shock. My friend, and the first guy I gave myself to, had admitted that he was engaged (as of last week). I was shocked, probably because of the way he used to talk to me with high hopes that we would get back together even though I persistantly told him that it woukd never happen. I didn’t want him to feel guilty; why should he be? He is happy, why should I make him feel bad for what happened in our past. He moved on, which is good. Which is what I wanted for him.
But you know what they say about girls after they’ve lost their virginity. They never forget about the feelings they had for the person they gave “it” to.
I actually have no remaining feelings left towards him, on that level, but I believe it’s that thought where he says “she’s the one” and “I’m happy” that gives me these inexplicable feelings. He’s only known her for a few months yet he feels like she’s the one that he’ll commit his “forever” to. All the power to them, that’s all I really have to say on the subject.
As long he’s happy, that’s all I really need to voice. Anything else is just air escaping my lungs, which I need not have to waste on trying to tell him whether he’s making a mistake or that I don’t think it’ll work. If it works, awesome. Clearly she believes that even in the “honeymoon” phase of their relationship things are going to stay the same throughout and into 10-30-50 years then good for them.
Sorry if this post makes no sense, I started it a few days ago and have been constantly modifying it. But I think the end product and the constant back-and-forth thought process I’m having explains how I feel on the subject of him getting engaged and rushing into things.