Randomized

Blackened Lips


I have to laugh about my teen years and leading up to just before my first year of university, I was such a free-spirit! I found an old blog that I hadn’t shut down and I read about the last year of posts that I’ve published and there was a hint of desperation, sadness, promiscuity, and laughs. Yes, I was laughing at myself. I also realized that I used a lot of subtle hints on describing people even though I did forget to erase some names, I don’t regret my past.

I mentioned a lot of “afterschool activities” that I was partook in, it all made me laugh at how petty some of my actions were. The people I chose to think were actually into me. Clearly, by this point I know for a fact they wanted nothing to do with me “in-that-way”. But it’s all very fun; fun ‘n games as it were. Some of the men I spent time with I know remember conversations I’ve had with friends about them and the transitions they’ve gone through since I last saw them: spiritual connectivity, marriage, children, disappeared. Things that I never expected these people to do. But if that’s what made them happy, who am I to suggest otherwise?

I’ve also realized I’ve changed. A lot. But that all comes with age. I’ve made great transitions myself. The people I’ve stopped communicating with. The people I continue to have regular discussions with. The connections I’ve made along the way. The good stuff and bad. I love everything that I’ve done. I do have some things in the past that I wish I hadn’t done but those are the things that altered my life, made me who am I, made me more aware of my next step. Allowed me to be a better person.

I know my parents were a great ulterior to all my motives. They brought me up with high expectations and standards and motivated to be whomever I wanted to be. They never disciplined me (to an extent) or barred me from living my life. Those are the things I thank them for. To this day there are still a lot of things in my past and present they aren’t aware of, but it’s probably for the best. I’m sure they know that I’ll tell them when and if the time is right.

The friends I made in the beginning, and the ones that I’ve carried along with me growing up are the people who taught me a multitude of things regarding interaction. There is a “good” way and a “bad” way. I’ve lost people in both ways. It’s how I’ve developed myself and learned a lot more about myself this way. The books I read were also the way I found myself.

I can’t say this post will ever end, so I’ll keep it unfinished. Like my life. Unscripted, unedited, and unfinished.

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