Randomized

Another Day


The rational behind everything was that Iz used to beat me. Yes, I’m admitting it and perhaps by doing so I will feel better about the fact that I left. That I chose to take the next big step that would help me realize that I needed to move forward because in the situation we were in we were going around in circles.

Round ‘n round ‘n round.

It took me making the big step of packing all his stuff to make him realize how much suffering I was feeling. The moment he finally was humbled to the point where this happened.

So, why do I feel so lousy? I feel terrible. I’m kind of opting to the fact that I need to talk to somebody about this. Somebody who will just listen and not judge me on the fact that I brought this upon myself.

I did, didn’t I? I brought this breakup upon myself, and I’m trying my hardest not to fall back into the old pattern of breaking up and then begging him to take me back. The last time we broke up, it was after 9 months of our relationship, I left Edmonton to go back to work in Fort Mac for the summer. It was 4 months! And in the span of 4 months we went from going to make this work to he can’t deal with it anymore to he’s with somebody and I’m calling him all the time to just “talk” and make promises and make commitments. 

I loved him then, if I was able to give him the moon at that split second, I would’ve. Just hear him say those three words back. I made promises. A lot of promises. I thought for sure I could keep them.

Somebody told me the other day that now that everything is over, I should put just as much energy as I did into him into myself. This logic make perfect sense. I’m overwhelmed though. I also remember when Iz was listening to something I overheard a clip of a discussion. It was like a guy asking a group of students about love. One girl wound up answering something like this (cue paraphrasing) “You can still be love somebody even after the in love part has gone.” It’s the best paraphrase I can do and it hit me.

I feel that same way. I Love Iz, but the amount of damage that the relationship was having on my psyche just couldn’t allow me to be in love with him. I think all the emotions involved is just me trying to come to the reality of everything.

Reality. Reality sucks in so many ways. I want to pick of the phone right now and beg and plead and apologize, but realistically, if I commit such a heanous act I know I would regret it because I feel like everything would revolve back to “those” days. People would call me crazy and maybe other names, and I would be alone in a world full of acquaintances. Not only that is what are the real chances of him leaving this girl?

The last girl he was with during our first breakup was ugly and an idiot. I’m sorry if I offended anybody, but I felt like he downgraded. But this girl. This girl is equally if not prettier than me. Although, I’ve kept my face on a more natural level a.k.a I don’t wear makeup and she does. I’m not curvy-ish, but she most definitely is, but she also wears clothes that I find inappropriate for a girl who should be dressing modestly for the religion she follows, I don’t follow religion and I still dress modestly and don’t wear clothes that would accentuate certain physical attributes. The numerous things I could find flawed on her, were things that Iz never appreciated and suddenly he’s with somebody like “that”.

I can’t tell if I’m insulted anymore.

At this point I’ve realized that this whole thing is most difficult for me because if I start crying it’ll make my life more difficult. I know I should cry eventually, just to get it out. I’m just alone. I’m dealing with all of this alone. I have no friggen clue if this is good or bad. I thought girls were supposed to have these grandiose pity parties when breakups like this happen? You know cake, ice cream and Sex & the City. Okay maybe not Sex & the City, but at least ice cream! Tears. Passing around insults on the guy who broke my heart, telling each other how terrible of a person he is and why I’m better of without him. I haven’t really gotten anything like that.

I did receive one text from a friend after I told her this sudden news. She told me I was better off without him. Her words made me smile, because we determined that he must not have been that “into” the relationship, or else he would’ve spent more time thinking about things. 

I can’t rebound that quickly. I thought I could. Actually I probably could’ve if I had more people to make me feel better about myself. 

I think another part of all this is the fact that I may be feeling sorry for myself. I allowed myself to be manipulated out of my apartment, out of whatever little life I had, and basically gave him that opportunity to scoop up an advantage. I think that’s what I feel most sorry about. He won that round. 

These days, I’m working my best not to let him win anymore. No more winning! I will constantly work at not crying at every second and continue to lose weight and work hard to find that job and get my shit figured out.

He won’t win. I will win. Because during all those times that he lacked complete appreciation of what I’ve done for him, I’ll be able to beat his metaphorical self into the submission that I had so rightfully deserved in the first place.

God help me.

– Nym

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