I’m 24 today. I’m not too sure how I should feel about it. Today’s one of those days where I (think) I should be excited about it, but I guess because of the breakup I feel like it’s just another day. I do not like days like today. Makes things difficult.
I saw him on Skype, but he didn’t talk to me. I was half-hoping that he would say something to me. I also was expecting to see a side-note from him this morning when I logged on to Facebook. I was hoping that maybe just as a nicety because I did it for him a week ago he would return the favor and wish me a happy birthday too.
I guess that’s the reality of things. He refocuses all his energy elsewhere, reminding me that what we had is gone. I lost that. Am I thankful? Yes, to an extent. I prayed a few nights before I left, begging God for a sign or a reason that I shouldn’t leave. I didn’t experience anything; I didn’t witness anything so that must mean God remained quiet and that all those months prior of feeling like somebody was trying to ask me why I stuck around during all the fights and petty arguments was really Him telling me that my time had come.
I didn’t need anymore signs! I didn’t need to witness anything. Although I witnessed the miracle of Iz becoming a more caring-type human, I felt cynical. I felt like I would forever resent everything that has ever happened to us and therefore would never get passed things. I wanted to. But every time he would say “I’m not that person…” or “Why can’t you get passed that?” I would reply in vain that he has said the same crap. You can cover it with whatever you want but it’ll smell bad. In the end nobody stays happy.
We would begrudgingly walk around each other in the apartment. Smiling awkwardly when we find it suiting. Sleep awkwardly in the same bed every night but never really feeling complete.
Happy birthday to me, and hopefully in another year from now I can look back and go “yea, I made the right choice”.