I slowly seem to have noticed some strange pattern when it comes to my relationships, short or long, I’ve noticed that I seem to target who’s “broken”.
Perhaps broken isn’t the right word for it. Maybe, dysfunctional, is better. People who appear to not have everything “together”, and I intend on helping them out of their rut. This may not even have a problem, but if they say “I’m sad”, I seem to say to myself Let me help you fix it. It’s quite a bad habit.
I was spending time with my ex, just like have nearly every day since Eh left and I noticed why we didn’t work out. He was living in his own dysfunction. The kind that either draws you close because he uses his sad/emo boy look as a way to attract women, or it scares a person away. I guess at the time I was the one attracted to him. I thought I could help him through it all. I didn’t know what I was helping him with, but I thought he was “helpable”.
The thing with my ex and I is although we ended on interesting terms, he inflicted some pain that really can’t be fixed only because so many people wound up being involved unintentionally. For me it was more pride and embarrassment. We continued to talk, I just couldn’t pretend nothing happened. I moved on. Hung out with different people and had a “live and let live” mentality until I moved to Edmonton.
Iz was something similar. He looked vulnerable in the big world of Canadian living. Practically a FOB (fresh off the boat) in my eyes. I wanted to make life easy. I wanted to help him because he was working a dead-end job, he also looked really happy and I wanted to absorb that. I wanted that same happiness he felt. When we were together in the beginning I was really happy. Obviously things didn’t last. He finally became an active church member, has a good job, and he finally didn’t need me. Usually that’s when things would become monotonous, and I just didn’t like that because we were no longer exciting.
I’ve decided today that I didn’t want somebody who was broken anymore. I didn’t want dysfunctional, sorry, I don’t want dysfunction anymore. If Eh is who I see on the outside then I expect I might’ve found somebody who is finally sane.
I will never deny having fun once in a while, but I’m tired of pretending that I can be happy on somebody else’s behalf. I’m my own person. If there was be dysfunction, I will be the one creating it and destroying it when it gets too big for me to handle.
Coffee Shop guy has stopped talking to me, we’ll see how long this lasts. I’m done contacting him. I’m not going to stay up until midnight with my ex brainstorming a script that might actually come out of a lot of talking and character development. I’m done with contracting dysfunction.
This day is brought to you by the letter ‘D’. Which ironically I’m not listening to the song ‘Diamond’ by Rihanna.