I wish sometimes it were. After much ado about nothing I’ve had a few things rubbed in my face and just for good measure apologized to afterwards because of the misrepresentation of their intentions. Did I lose you? Good. This’ll make for an interesting post.
I don’t know if I had told you but for nearly a year, Mag and I had been “joking” about the idea of being each others last resort when it came to matrimony. He, on several occasions, had quipped that we would make beautiful babies. For the longest time I would laugh at this very thought, and at one point told him I didn’t want us to get together in fear it might ruin our very long (4+ years) of friendship because we decided to take it to the next level. At the time he was okay with this, but we still joked and I used to ask him if I should jealous of him seeing other girls (jokingly obviously, I’m happy if he’s trying to “get out there”). Needless to say after everything with Iz, I wound up knuckling down and writing Mag a lovely email summarizing that I would love it if we could try being an item, but couldn’t figure out how we would make it work, since he was working a fly-in/fly-out job and I was living in Fort Mac. Needless to say the odds were not in our favor. I waited for a long time and finally became tired of waiting for a response and called him. After much skipping around the subject I was slapped in the face with my own words. Yup, Mag fiercely rejected me with my own words. I wasn’t even insulted anymore by the rejection, but more at the fact that he took exactly what I told him months before and told them to me. It hurt. A lot. I didn’t understand why. Well, I knew, but I didn’t know, you know? All the jokes were merely that, jokes and I didn’t anticipate rejection, although I should’ve. I wound up over-reacting and for the first time we were actually having a very tense moment. Whodathunk?! Mag and I, never once in our entire friendship had we gotten to a point where we were too tense to answer each other.
Actually that part was my fault. I became spiteful, and my responses were immature. I congratulated him on bringing out the attitude that I didn’t like to show off. After we hung up, I spent a good 5 or so minutes driving in silence. Calmed down and called him back. I felt really bad. Because it wasn’t like that with us. We were two very caring people, who in fact had a lot of respect for each other. I had managed to coherently put all my reasons on the table as to why I thought we would’ve worked out, but not only that but why I thought that even if we didn’t, we would just go back to the way things were: friends. I thought we were that kind of people. I think he had his doubts, and I believe he still does. He apologized at some point during all this for misleading me, and I told him perhaps I misunderstood our intent of humor. We fluffed it off quickly and continued to talk about other things. As per usual, I haven’t heard from him since that conversation.
Before all this I believe I told you about my lovely conservation with Eh. I’m not going to dig any further into that sunken treasure, because I found out it’s just chocolate covered in gold foil. I believe he’s back in town, or at least the country, but he has to contact neither me or his best friend. But I told his best friend that Eh is now his problem. Things are going to be awkward for the next little while.
After everything that has been going on, Iz and I have had several long discussions. Mostly him professing his forever changes and how much he is willing to recommit to me. A few tears have been borne on both our sides, and I have honestly been contemplating returning the similar emotions he’s been giving me. I am basically playing with the idea of tearing down my wall that I spent nearly a month building up.
Yes, I am sure there are several people who have read my past posts in regard to that relationship and the wrong he’s done by me and are doing the same thing as Tulio is doing in
the GIF, but honestly if you have heard and seen the changes you’d toy with the idea as well. A few things perhaps need to be laid out in the regards to my ongoing decision:
- Iz hurt me, yes, but I hurt him as well. I don’t mean in the sense that because I left I hurt him. I’m sure there were several occasions that I’ve insulted his manhood and he never said anything.
- Iz was a dick. Something else that you might’ve come to your own conclusion, but he has most certainly changed.
- We’ve been through a lot. I know, I know. A lot of people have been through a lot with somebody else, and when they fell apart they didn’t go back. Quite honestly this is my life.
- I left because I thought it would be easier for me to try to make some changes while being alone, rather than try to make them while somebody else was in the picture.
Number four is the biggest thing! I have motivation and drive. I was feeling unwell in my situation because I felt like I was getting bogged down by other peoples lives. I needed a break from everything. Perhaps what I did was not actually officially “break up”, I just needed a “break”.
I’m sure at some point somebody reading this will say “So, all that moving out was for nothing?” I beg to differ. By me moving out forced Iz to realize that he couldn’t rely on me alone to get things done. He was too dependent and I had nobody to depend on. This was my way of teaching him a lesson. I believe he has grown from this, and will continue to do so. At this point, even if we were to try again, I’m not going to get suckered into traveling constantly on his behalf. I have a great job which I intend to keep for a few years to build on experience and by living with my parents I will have the ability to continue saving money for school and or a new home, by doing so I also help my credit because I’ll have lesser things to spend my money on and that in turn allows my credit to heal.
Am I in the wrong? No. I’m glad you see it that way.
On a side note: I was teaching myself how to crochet. I’ve decided that my mother owns too much wool and that I’m going to make items to either sell or give away to expectant friends. I have a feeling I should really stick to sewing, but crocheting can’t be harder than knitting, can it?
I thank you if you actually did read all of this 😉 So what new conclusions have you come to lately?